Can you change what is in your heart when it is for your better?

So folks this is a personal post, one of those touchy-feely discussions that I hope you don't get too attached to. But I recently returned from a trip that took me nearly a month to complete and stretched from coast to coast, from Long Island to California. It has been my first vacation in a long time and on a deeper level the first time I was able to really figure out what I needed to do with my life. When I say my life I mean more than just my life as far as direction but also my personal life and goals.

Indeed it was a vacation from all aspects of my life. I had fewer text messages and facebook notification, I checked both much less religiously. My email spent many days going unchecked. I could leave my alarm clock on my phone off and didn't feel guilty for turning both off entirely. The stresses of finding a job, working in schools, filling up my gas tank, pressing shirts, dealing with family and friend drama all were taken away for three weeks of relative bliss. Hours on the internet or otherwise plugged in were replaced with days spend wandering around a small city in a largely agrarian and economically depressed part of California. Strangely homelike, this city provided me with many hours of introspection, an activity formerly reserved for a twenty minute run or the few uninterrupted hours of sleep I get every night.

So what has changed about me since my departure, honestly not much, but on a deeper level I believe that I have been able to straighten out the clutter of my life and sort out my goals for the near and distant future. The mess has really been with the conflict that I have had since leaving college with the thought of my college life and my new life as a fully functioning adult. Much has changed, some has stayed the same, but it has all been muddied by the transition. It seems that mainly my connections to the past four years have hampered my efforts to spread my wings. Being back in the old town every weekend for fencing is one thing. But feeling it necessary to spend many days and nights at a time in Oneonta has severely limited my ability to sort out things at home and take time to adjust to how things are now. So for now I will fill my contracts and obligations but once that is through I think I will be cutting ties with the majority of that world in lieu of moving forward with my my life here and now.

All of that aside much of the difficulties I have faced in the last few months have been interpersonal. Since my trip I realized that I spend a great deal of my time dealing with and working around the lives of others. Flexing and bending in whatever way I can in order to improve their lives. Often times this has been at the cost of my own personal life and feelings, on a more superficial level this frequently impacts me financially as well. These things in mind I've discovered that I really won't be able to achieve much with my own life if I spend it fixing and helping guide the lives of others. Sure the feeling of being needed by someone is in some ways very rewarding but the feeling of being needed to live someones life for them has become one of the most dreaded things I have yet to experience. So keeping that in mind I have decided to make a better effort to concentrate on my own life, health, and goals.

What does this mean for the next year, two years, longer? Be sure that the me of 6 months from now will be in much better shape physically and mentally. I'm considering taking up running 5k races as thing, definitely running on a regular basis. Reading has made a Renaissance in my life and I plan on continuing that trend for good. You can never read too many good books and you can never learn too many things. I should have a better idea of what my next five years will look like. I'll know for sure whether military service is in my future. I'll be able to say when and how I'll be going back to school for my Graduate degree. If I've secured myself a full time job I'll hopefully get myself an apartment or other suitable living space of my own. Not to mention I'm planning for a get out of debt by September plan that includes a sizable savings increase.

Does all of this sound as glorious as it could be? No not at all, however, when you consider I have never before had a iron clad plan to accomplish these things I would consider it pretty substantial. Here's to hoping that these things get worked out and by the time I make the next personal post my thoughts become even more positive!